I just want to be normal

Last night I posted this to my Tumblr.  After I hit publish, I felt something hit my cheeks.  They were tears of frustration. Anger.  Sadness.  Loneliness. Anxiousness. I could say that I let the scale dictate how I felt and instead of keeping strong, I decided to revert to old habits.  But it wasn't the scale.  It was me.  I chose to deal with my day this way.

As I mentioned in my weigh in post, I am thinking of trying to eat clean & follow a detailed eating plan.  I could've bought the book for my Kindle but I wanted it to be an actual paper book.  I went to many different stores in my county and was feeling extremely anxious because I didn't find it.  You would think that the book was made out of gold due to the way I was acting because I had to have it. I ended up ordering it from Amazon and proceeded to eat everything around me.  I almost feel like the book was supposed to be a life saver because I felt like I was drowning.  I can't pinpoint exactly why I felt like this all day.  When I looked in the mirror yesterday all I could see was my weight.   93 pounds ago when I would look in the mirror, I was indifferent to what I saw reflected.  I just didn't care.   Yesterday was a different story. I was very critical and judgmental of what was reflected in the mirror.  I didn't like what I seeing.

Yesterday all the effort that I have put in the past few months didn't matter.  I couldn't shovel food in my mouth fast enough.   I could literally feel how bloated I was getting and I kept on eating.  I was punishing myself and I don't know why. All I could think of was "who the fuck could love someone who looks like you?  You aren't worth it so why keep trying.  Just keep eating."   All day long that's all I thought about.  That and finding that damn book.   I honestly became scary obsessed about it.

I've read posts where people have their "last straw moment' and that's when they decided to do something about their weight loss.  I didn't have one.  One Monday in September 2010 I decided to go to Weight Watchers for the fourth or fifth time and decided to sign up.  I have kept going ever since.  I don't know why this time I have stuck to it.  But I am so done being fat.  Yes, I said it. Fat, obese and huge.  I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to be normal.  I want to do normal things that others do without worrying about my size or what people will think of someone my weight doing (insert activity that normal people do).

This past year that I've been unemployed I haven't let that be an excuse to eat everything and not work out. In fact, I actually pushed myself more because I don't want to be an unemployed fat loser.   I am trying to take advantage of the time that I have and do good with it. I don't read the newspaper because I find it depressing and try to fill my days with positivity because I know how fragile I can be at at times.  I don't sit in front of the TV watching it all day.  I am trying to be better.  I don't want to be that person whose back would hurt when they walked a block or couldn't catch their breath going up one flight of stairs.  Just one.  That's how bad I was.

Yesterday was a mistake.  I am not perfect and I will probably have more days like yesterday.  Maybe not as severe but they happen.  Today it's time to exorcise the demons I have inside me.  Exorcise them by poisoning them with healthy food and flushing them out by working out.

Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit. - Conrad Hilton

Weekly Weigh In

Let's get today's weigh in out of the way.  I stayed the same as last week.  I am so frustrated.

I didn't weigh in at all during the week because I am trying to not obsesses over the number on the scale but it's really discouraging when you think you had a great week and then nothing changes.  Give me a freaking gram for crying out loud.  I won't be reaching my Bay 2 Breakers goal and that pisses me off.  Ahhhh!  Ok I am over my tantrum.  

I ended up using 21 of my Weekly Points and earning 41 Activity points.  I ate more this week but I tried to make good choices.   The Weekly Points allowance is something that still puzzles me.  Am I supposed to use them? Am I not?  Are they there for special occasions?  Talking to some people on Twitter some use them, some stay away from them and others feel like if they use a percentage of them they seem to lose.  No clear answer -- that's one of the things that frustrate me with WW.  My goal for this week will be to not use them and see how I do.  This is a new week and a new opportunity to improve.  

I completed Day 18 of the Boot Camp Challenge this morning and here are my results as to how I've improved:

Initial assessment:

Push-ups (modified): 25

Sit-ups (modified): 31

Body weight squats: 30

Today's results:

Push-ups (modified): 57

Sit-ups (modified): 66

Body weight squats: 59

Holla!    I even impressed myself.  After 18+ days of following this program, I have gotten stronger.  My exercise for this week is to walk on the treadmill in prep for my race on Sunday.  But next Monday I will start this program again upping the intensity and also using heavier weights.  Even if it's only 10, I want to be able to do a proper push up and sit up so I have to continue working on it.

I took a break last week from drinking meta-d and I can say that I am going back to drinking it every morning.  I definitely felt like I had more energy the week I drank it and wasn't as hungry.  One of the things that I am also thinking about is trying to eat clean.  Looking at my food tracker I realized that I do eat a lot of processed food.  I've been thinking of trying the Tone It Up Nutritional plan since I like a lot of the recipes that they have on their site but it's $150 and I just can't spend the money right now.  Cassey from Blogilates has her own 90 day meal plan which is free.  She designed the meal plan off of Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Diet.  I am going to be reading more about it and won't make the decision this week but it's something to consider.  Anyone follow any of these clean eating plans?  

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you

These stairs have been my nemesis for a long, long time. You see, these stairs lead to the gym that I belong to. My family has been a member of this gym for the past 15 years. I remember when I used to go when I was in high school I would take the elevator up to the gym and then work out. Walking up the stairs would tire me out so easily and I would get out of breath. I could hear my heart pounding like a motha!

When I rejoined the gym back in November, I remember facing these stairs again. I told myself that I would not EVER take the elevator. I would sometimes have to stop and take a breath but I would not take the easy way out. Yesterday when I walked up them, I didn’t stop and I wasn’t out of breath or huffing and puffing. When I got to the top it dawned on me that I’ve been able to beat my nemesis.

I've been working out hard this week.  I took Sunday & Monday as rest days since my body was beat after the Workout in the Park sessions.  Tuesday I decided to do Zumba & Boot Camp Challenge.  Holy moly!

This is what I looked like after it.  I was sweaty mess and my hair needed to be tamed.  But damn did it feel good to be able to do it.    Yesterday I went back to the gym to walk on the treadmill since I am getting ready for Bay 2 Breakers.  

The last time I walked on the treadmill was almost a month ago (4/14). It wasn’t my fastest time but I pushed myself. My body feels like it wants to run but I’m so scared to try so then I start to slow down. WTF right?  

Today my workout was rough. Usually the Boot Camp Challenge app is between 25 to 30 minutes long. Today it was a whopping 46 minutes of pain. I knew that when I started that it was going to be tough. My legs felt heavy but I told myself that I would do it. I swear there were times when I thought that I would throw up or pass out. At the 18 minute mark I wanted to give up. I thought that I could just do it tomorrow again but thinking of doing those 18 minutes again made me cringe. I took a break and got some water and kept going. At the end I was beat & could barely lift my hands to stretch. But I did it.

The point of all of this is to say just do it.  No matter what it is, just do it. Don't let yourself give up.  It may take time and you might fail but you just have to keep trying. It will be hard but it will be so worth it.


P.S.  I hope you get a good laugh at my pictures.  I post more frequently on my Tumblr in case you want to follow.  As you can see, you miss out on these awesome shots :)

Weekly Weigh In

This week was a good week for me.   I tracked all my food and activity on WW.  When I weighed in this morning, the scale showed a loss of 1.6 pounds.  I wanted it to be more but I am content with the number.  I am now 7.2 pounds from a 100 pound loss which I want to reach by May 20.  Not sure if that's going to happen now but I will keep trying.

My goal was to earn 40 activity points this week and I earned 52. Yeah!  I also tried to hit my daily points goal but on a couple of days that was an issue.  I just wasn't hungry.   I did use 6 of my weekly points. To me this looks like a successful week.   

For the next two weeks, my goal is to go back to the gym & exercise on the treadmill. I need to get ready for Bay 2 Breakers and will continue to do the Boot Camp Challenge app. I was feeling really positive this week and felt like I was back on track.   

I also drank meta-d every day and I don't know if it's working for me or if it's all in my head but I did feel more energetic all week and I wasn't very hungry during the week like I had previously been.  

Workout In The Park

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend SELF magazine's Workout in the Park event.  I never thought that I would be so excited to go work out but I ended up having a lot of fun.  It was a gorgeous day in San Francisco and the weather was perfect.  I ended up going with my mom and her best friend and I think they enjoyed themselves as well.   Gilt had an offer so we ended up paying $15 each for admission (normally $20) but even at full price it was worth it.  You get admission into the event, a year's subscription to SELF and booths full of goodies.  

I came home with all of these items.  If you tried on the a pair of Reebok running shoes & gave your opinion on them, they gave you a pack of 3 pairs of socks.  Pretty sweet!  I also ended up purchasing the event shirt for $15.  The material is amazingly soft.   

There were three areas set up - main stage, quiet zone & crossfit zone sponsored by Reebok.  After we walked around the different booths, we picked a spot close to the main stage.  Each session was 20 minutes long and they kept up moving.  I think my favorite session was the Masala Bhangra which is a session described as "blends the high-energy dance moves of bhangra and Bollywood into a fun and heart-pounding workout, Indian-style!"  After I came home I found out that the class was led by Sarina Jain who is often called the "Jane Fonda of India."  I enjoyed the session so much that I think I may be buying one of her workout DVDs.  

There were a lot of people in attendance and what I liked was that there were women from all sizes and ages.  No one cared if you fell behind a step during a session (which I did while pretending to be a Fly Girl) and it was just about getting your sweat on and having fun. We ended up staying there for about 3 hours and then we were starving & exhausted so we left.  But I made a point to take a picture with Dolvett.   I was lucky to be by a booth where he happened to be walking by and I asked him for a picture.  He was SO nice.  I told him that I had lost 92 pounds and he congratulated me (his words "Way to go, baby"... swoon) and then he gave me a hug. Double swoon. 

During one of the breaks between sessions, he did lead a mini workout which I was able to record.

Overall it was a great event.  I do wish that Dolvett had been more on stage but I think he was walking between all three areas so that would make it difficult.  I was able to keep up with the different instructions and that made me feel very proud of myself. It means that my hard work is paying off.


This event will also be held in New York (May 12) & Chicago (June 2) so if you are near I definitely recommend that you go.

Oh Christian...

And no I am not talking about Christian Grey from 50 Shades.  Although he is swoon worthy.  Don't judge me... and if you do, oh well.

On Monday Kelly posted about her goal dress.  It's amazing!  She is a constant source of motivation to me.  Kelly, I know you'll be wearing that dress soon.  It got me thinking about my reward for reaching my goal weight not that being fit & healthy aren't the best reward.  But I remember when I first started losing weight I told myself that if I could do it, if I could push myself and lose weight that I would buy myself something extravagant and fabulous.   I knew exactly what I wanted - a Chanel purse.  I get giddy even thinking about it.  However as time goes by, I realize that yes a Chanel purse would be exquisite but that isn't how I am going to reward myself when I feel like I have reached my goal of being fit & healthy.

I don't know about you but I have several boards on Pinterest and one of them is titled One Day I will.  That's where I put any images of things that I will one day do from running a half marathon to yoga to a little black dress.  My style, if you can even call it that, is not a style.  Up until a couple of years ago, clothing stores such as Lane Bryant & Avenue didn't have that many cute options in clothing. I've always felt limited by the choices so my style was more of "what can I wear that doesn't make me look like a cow and still look ok".  Jeans and t-shirts have been my staple for most of my life.   I think the last time I wore a dress was to my cousin's wedding in 2002 & I felt so awkward wearing it.  A little black dress is definitely something that I look forward to getting as I continue to lose weight.

But a little black dress isn't what my reward will be.  When I truly feel that I have reached my goal of being fit & healthy, I will be rewarding myself with a pair of Christian Louboutin Rollando Hidden Platform Pumps. Oh be still my heart!

I have a champagne taste with a malt liquor budget.  I've never been one to wear heels because I would probably break my neck & ankles trying to put so much weight on them.  I could live happily in my flip flops and Chucks.  But I've always admired heels from afar.  When I think of a woman wearing these shoes, I see someone with a sense of style, class and a bit of sass.  Someone who is confident in who she is and struts herself not worrying about what anyone thinks of her.  That's who I want to be.  That's who I will one day be.  For now, I will keep them in mind when I feel like not working out or eating an extra portion that I don't need.  

Do you have a reward in mind once you reach your goal?

Laters, baby...

April in Numbers

My goals for April were:

1. Lose 8 pounds: actual pounds lost were 2.2
2. Workout at least 1000 minutes: actual minutes were 485 
3. Walk at least 50 miles: actual miles were 6.2 miles
4. Workout at least 21 days: actual days were 12

I didn't work out the first part of April.  I feel like I have gotten my groove back in the latter part of the month.   I've been getting bored of the treadmill so I've been doing the Boot Camp Challenge app and cardio DVDs at home.  Having the variety in my exercises has helped me remain motivated.  But I need to get back on the treadmill to get ready for Bay 2 Breakers which is on May 20th.  

I tracked both calories and points this month and i wasn't very successful.  To be honest, when I was tracking points I would worry about the calories and vice versa. I wasn't giving my full to either method.  I lost the majority of the weight following Weight Watchers so I am going to go back on it full time.  I am even contemplating going to a meeting here and there to get more tips and information about Points+.  I've been looking at the website and it's somewhat confusing sometimes.  I think it helps to have an actual person answer questions and explain things rather than a website.  

After thinking about it for the past couple of days, I decided on my goals for the month of May:

1. Lose 8 pounds.  I really wanted to be at a 100 pound loss by Bay 2 Breakers and right now I know that I will have to work so hard to get there as I need to lose 8 pounds in 19 days.  I won't be giving up.  It is doable as I lost 11 pounds in December. 
2. Track my food &  activity points on Weight Watchers app.  If I bite it, write it.  If I nibble it, scribble it.  To get an accurate picture of my eating habits and exercise, I need to be diligent in tracking. 
3. My weekly activity points (AP) goal will be to earn 40 AP's weekly.   I was looking at MFP profile and when I filled it out it recommended I burn 2,880 calories a week for a projected loss of 2 pounds per week.  On the Points+ plan, 80 calories equal 1 AP so 2,880 calories equals 36 AP's.  I am going to push myself to earn 40 APs per week.  In my past workouts, this is how the APs break down:

• 45 minutes of low impact aerobics = 6 AP
• 26 minutes of boot camp (calisthenics; moderate effort) = 4 AP
• 50 minutes on the treadmill > 3.0 MPH & < 5.0 MPH = 7 AP
• 40 minutes of kickboxing (basically Turbo Jam) = 14 AP

I am ready to kick some ass this month.